On Our Best Behaviour by Elise Loehnen – Book Review

 

Publisher’s write-up:

‘Why do women equate self-denial with being 'good'?

We congratulate ourselves when we resist the donut in the office breakroom. We celebrate our restraint when we hold back from sending an email in anger. We put others' needs ahead of our own and believe this makes us exemplary. Journalist and podcast host Elise Loehnen explains that these impulses – often lauded as distinctly feminine instincts – are actually ingrained in us by a culture that reaps the benefits, via an extraordinarily effective collection of social

Lust. Gluttony. Greed. Sloth. Wrath. Envy. Pride.

These so-called 'deadly sins' have been used by the patriarchy to control women throughout our history. For instance, a fear of gluttony drives us to ignore our appetites and an aversion to greed prevents us from negotiating a better salary at work.

So, what would happen if we stopped trying to be 'good'?

Provocative and bold, On Our Best Behaviour is a probing analysis of history and contemporary culture that explains how women have internalised the patriarchy, and how they unwittingly reinforce it. By sharing her own story and the spiritual wisdom of other traditions, Elise Loehnen shows how we can break free and discover a path toward a more balanced, fulfilled way to live.’

On Our Best Behaviour: The Price Women Pay to be Good – is a long essay from the writer and podcaster, Elise Loehnen. In this book, she explains the price women have to pay, in trying to be in their best behaviour at all times, in the western society. She bases her premise on how the seven deadly sins that have been codified in Christian societies have effectively kept patriarchal structures in place and subdued women.

I found the premise of the book interesting, wherein she introduces this idea of the seven deadly sins and their impact on the western world, regardless of whether one grows up in a religious family or not. She cites several contemporary examples on differential treatment by media for similar behaviour. It is also true that often, women have been conditioned to be ‘good/gentle’ whereas men are encouraged to be seek power, sometimes even at all costs. She cites research papers, other books and also several anecdotes from her personal life, including the fact that she is raising two sons.

Considering the premise, I wanted to like this book given I agree with the underlying statement that despite the progress made over the years, women still are at a disadvantage. However, in this book, the first thing I felt while reading it was that the author seemed to have the assumption that her reader is a woman (probably cis, not necessarily heterosexual), and I for one, am a cis male. 

While women face structural disadvantages, I felt that the author gave the seven deadly sins far more credit than they merit, and it seemed like she had already drawn a conclusion and then tried to fit her narrative into each of the chapters. Her chapter on greed was particularly shallow – where I felt the author was confused between ‘ambition’ and ‘greed’; to the extent that I know the schooling system and society, greed is not encouraged – but it is true that media might perceive male billionaires as ‘ambitious’ and similar women as ‘greedy’ or arrogant. But using that to glorify ideas such as greed and asking women to embrace greed as well (and the shallow assumption that every man is pushed by the society to be greedy), goes against the idea of the progressive narrative that the author tries to showcase.

I also felt that the author, while being very critical of the seven deadly sins and Christian values at large, she fell into the trap of any non-Abrahamic philosophy being progressive. As I mentioned earlier, I did not grow up in a Christian society or family, but rather in an environment of orthodox Hindus, who are much closer to the Vedanta philosophy that the author praised is being ‘very progressive’ and her only basis of the conclusion was one philosopher whom she met. I consider myself qualified to comment on this given my upbringing and also my later life in Western Europe (considered assimilated); I have had first-hand experience, Vedanta does espouse several patriarchal and regressive ideas and women of Hindu societies today face similar challenges – that is, battling patriarchy and subjugation (I have observed several instances of patriarchy in my own family and extended family). In fact, several people from Hindu societies embrace Abrahamic faiths because they are more ‘progressive’ but in both instances, the author embracing Vedanta and some people in Hindu societies converting to other religions are products of the same issue – their preachers cherry pick and provide the most liberal interpretation possible (though such interpretations are not agreed by all or sometimes even a majority of the practitioners of these religions).

I did not know much about the author but given how much she spoke about herself, what I could understand was that she herself is someone from a very privileged background, being a wealthy person with very good connections (she cites someone famous and then recalls their experience of meeting them and interacting with them every time). The irony is that she herself is involved in a lifestyle magazine Goop, doing precisely what several other magazines do such as setting unrealistic standards for their readers – and the magazine is also known to promote a lot of pseudoscience and alternate medicine – which was a theme that was recurrent in this book as well.

To conclude, this was a book that I wanted to like, she had an interesting premise that I agreed with, but her arguments were shallow, often made with a lack of understanding. My experience reading this book was very tiring and, on that note, I rate this book a four on ten.

Rating – 4/10

Have a nice day
Andy